I need to preface this long post by saying there’s no real start, middle and clean end here. I finished reading the Gospel of Matthew and noted two very distinct thoughts. Okay I had many thoughts, but I am going to share two of them. The first was about feeling, and the second was about a need to be prepared.
I sat down with a pastor last month and danced around describing the feeling of being a bad christian because I didn’t feel massive waves of emotion about the most central part of the Bible—that God sent his one and only Son to save us from our sins; Jesus sacrificed his life for our salvation. Even writing that creates a tension in my chest because I feel prejudgement for being honest about it. I had been breaking down that sentiment with a few friends and one of the things I kept circling back to was that it’s how I approach a lot of things—I’m pragmatic. I like to research, conceptualize and then have a process of application. So the whole feeling thing, it’s not my first inclination to lean into it.
The biggest concern I wanted to address with the pastor was whether or not that lack of feeling needed fixing. I had been working on my christian testimony and I legitimately hit a road block because I felt broken—how can I say I am a christian if I don’t have this overwhelming sense of emotion. But also, how the heck can I go about life feeling these things when I’m supposed to be living these things. I think I grabbed onto this idea that I was supposed to feel that from a few places. I am going to discuss two of them.
First, I grew up in the Catholic Church. I’ve kept this idea from the experience that in the Catholic Church the Bible and instruction from it should be delivered from a priest—that the priest knows all and the Bible should be handled with an aura of sanctity around it like in mass. The Bible does have that aura—it is the Living Word, but the rest? The Bible is my greatest resource as a Christ follower, and I should be going to it freely and fastly for guidance on everything. I should be critically discerning the message, seeking context and to understand.
I didn’t feel that growing up, and I certainly felt that if I had it in my hands I was supposed to feel this larger than life connection to Jesus and an emotion about his sacrifice. I am sure catholics everywhere could read this and be like, no you got it wrong this is a weak argument and could graciously explain otherwise, but it’s just my experience. Prayer was also something that we just did. I think learning prayers as a young kid without teaching to dig into what they mean just causes repetition and saying it just to say it. How was I emotionally supposed to connect those dots?
I must not have been paying attention growing up, because scripture is filled with teaching I didn’t hear coming through. So everything to me now is fresh and I feel like I am mentally and emotionally equipped with the brain power to read scripture and view it as teaching, in context, instead of in isolated verses. That is a really big deal to me. When people quote scripture my brain goes to the context—who is it coming from (likely Paul, lol) and who is the recipient (likely a church or people group in a very specific situation). From there it’s about discernment.
The second area that interests me in learning why that feeling of inadequacy was coming up was because one of the people that brought me to Christ through their life with Him is a heavily relational person. I came to Jesus in 2020–almost three decades into my life but young in real faith.
But, this amazing friend was an example of living life as a Christ follower and I inadvertently put up this standard of how I should be because of how she, and others are. This gal believes big with her whole heart and brings Jesus everywhere. I don’t actually know that she feels big emotions but I had made this assumption. But I am not her, and she is not me.
Her and I have talked on multiple occasions about the differences in how we approach our faith. And ironically, we both have acknowledged feelings of inadequacies and pressure to actually put on each other’s approach (not from each other, but from what we think the christian world is telling us to do). How ridiculous.
The conversation led me to an organic a-ha moment. I told her I think we have a responsibility to be relational and to read scripture. But at the same time, I don’t need to overwhelm myself and feel like I am falling short of being a good christian because that’s not where I go to naturally. I lived a lot of life away from Jesus. I ask a lot of questions and I dig into things. I read scripture and I try to let that lead me as a good person. And I think that’s cool and it’s how I feel I’m letting Christ show up in my life and in my work. It’s refreshing to remind myself that my faith journey is a forever journey, that the pressure to “arrive” is a distraction from the good going on right now. This isn’t a checklist sort of deal.
I used this conversation with my friend as an example in my talk with the pastor I sat with. This is a slice of the conversation, but he told me that we weren’t instructed to feel, but we were given instructions (and lots and lots of parables) on how to be. That was a big moment. Because, to me, like in all other areas in life big emotion comes from experience, from actually doing things.
Back to reading the Gospel of Matthew—I found myself feeling emotionally connected! I felt sorrow, anger, excitement, awe, and then this recurring strength and conviction for preparation and value alignment—to be who I say I am and to cling tightly to Christ if that’s the life I say I am trying to lead. Yikes and excitement—what a challenge that presents me with a billion opportunities to fail and to be forgiven. This leads me directly into the second part.
I didn’t know that Jesus spoke about end times until I read Matthew cover to cover. I thought the topic was reserved for Revelation, or found in the Old Testament. But right before what I thought I’d read next—the plot against Jesus, the betrayal and crucifixion—he specifically goes through a description of end times. It’s right there in red text. And bam, it hit me—a reminder of spiritual warfare. There is a constant battle for my soul between light and dark. In the earlier chapters of Matthew’s gospel we get a solid picture of how to act and how to show love and even how to deal with our adversaries taking us to court. Jesus gives us the greatest commandment, and then the second: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind . . . Love your neighbor as yourself” (22:37-39).
He asks us to have unwavering faith, and to be ready for the hour unknown.
I must have read part of this Gospel before because there were prior highlights and underlines in it, but either I didn’t read it cover to cover or I wasn’t paying attention to the whole picture. I had already underlined 25:29, “For whoever has will be given more, and they will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken from them.” I must have been confused by this—it’s all over scripture that Jesus came for those without, that he is the friend and Savior of the sick and poor and lowly, the outcasts and misfits, those outside vagabonds and people stirring up commotion in His name and going against the grain with audacious beliefs in the King. It’s written that we should serve others, give what we have . . . but this verse, the treasure that those have will have more of, it falls right after the description of end times and a message to stay ready. What those who have, have, is Jesus, is faith, is obedience, is readiness for the day of the coming of the Lord.
25:40-41: “Two men will be in the field; one will be taken and the other left. Two women will be grinding with a hand mill; one will be taken and the other left.” Jesus tells us to be ready for the unknown hour. We have to work and grow and live, not hide out with our gifts afraid that they will go away. Our lives are the battle field between good and evil. Meaning I have to choose good over and over and over even when I inevitably fail.
If we are in that battle field of good versus evil and we have to be ready—our faith happens in real life not in a silo. So, where does this not ring true? Scripture serves as a guide, gives us instruction on how to live as christians and it is applicable everywhere. Step away from the idea of end times and the glory and coming of Jesus. Our goals and pursuits happen when opportunity meets preparation. All along our lives we are presented with mini steps, and the question is: have we readied ourselves to take them? We’re not meant to live passively. We’re built to create and use all of what we’ve been given to glorify His name through love and work and life. Do we have clarity on that? This readiness should position us to be able to step into opportunity, into growth, into challenges with a whole and strong heart and mind.
So the question I have for myself that should guide everything I do: Am I preparing myself for the greatest opportunity out there?
Just some thoughts while reading scripture and living life.
//GLK
