There’s nothing that quite stacks up to a conversation reminding you you’re just getting started at something. I always feel like I’m learning a lot in my faith journey and just getting started, but last night I really knew it.
I met with a small group at church for the first time. We discussed some questions listed in the bulletin to accompany the weekly sermon. One of the questions was something like, what is the difference in our relationship with God in the Old Testament versus our relationship with God in the New Testament.
I tried to conjure up this big picture view of what I knew of the Old Testament to compare it to the reading I’ve done in the New Testament. In those few moments of silence all I could come up with were some mixed feelings of grasping for something I felt like I should understand while knowing I didn’t, and a poor description—the very broad picture I had in my head was that the OT is about God and life before Jesus, and the NT is about the life and teachings from Jesus about God. In the OT I feel like humans didn’t really have access to God, but with Jesus it’s all about relationship. I think this is partly correct, but was way off for the bulk of what the conversation needed to be.
The group, however, all seemed to know the OT with ease. They talked about some of how God was, what was required of people to go into the temple, the sacrifices needed to pay for sins, etc. I was listening in like, what? It felt like everything I was hearing was backwards to what I know about who and how God is. I could feel myself just hot with emotion. Were we reading the same bible? Is this what I believe? And then very quickly as I jogged through my faith journey I realized that nearly everything I’ve studied has been New Testament, and I have no idea about the Old Testament. Sure, I know some stories from Genesis and Job. I’ve heard pieces brought up in sermons about Esther, Psalms and Proverbs, but I haven’t read the OT for context or to really read it like I have the NT. In fact I think the only books I’ve really read in the OT are Nehemiah and Ecclesiastes.
And you know what? I think this could be the crux of my resistance to going all in with God and he is exposing it to me. This might not make sense, but I think I have been avoiding God while clinging to Jesus.
It’s cold hard truth. I really struggle when I overthink God. Is God loving or angry. What were we actually created for? What does it look like to glorify God? I get so caught up in this and I feel, I think, guilty(?) even having these thoughts, but it’s really real. I feel like this resistance has to be a wall I am struggling with because the truth about going all in with God, while one on thread is liberating, is overwhelmingly against everything human in me. Which I think is the point—we are faulty humans that need saving. This is the larger than life incomprehensible and scary stuff. To believe in God is to also believe that satan is out for our souls, and our lives are filled with spiritual warfare. This is terrifying.
So I have to dig, and I have to be really honest and answer some questions. I hope the OT provides a link I need to grow and helps me address this resistance. I am hoping this strengthens my ability to ultimately trust in God. And, I know God will put the people in my life to actually help me learn about these things. He knows what I am seeking, my heart is open to learning, and I am taking my full combination of curiosity, love and frustration with me on this journey to be all-in for God above everything else.
I wrote in earlier blogs that I am working through reading the Gospels to learn more about Jesus and his life specifically to feel more connection to the sacrifice for sin. However, after this one conversation, I am thinking that’s backwards. I think I have a much more solid grasp on the NT and need to really dig into who and how God was in the OT. What were the times like, and then let that frame the necessity of Jesus. I am going to read Luke, reread John and finish Acts, and then my first read through the entire NT will be complete and I’ll begin to dig into the OT.
Open to discussion, guidance and prayers.
All love,
GLK
Some questions & prompts
- What happened to people when they died after sin but before Jesus?
- Time is strange—the holy trinity always was, but Jesus came to earth and brought the Holy Spirit. Try to comprehend this.
- God vs Jesus vs Holy Spirit
- What I know about Truth now from the NT, was that not the case before Jesus?
- What is the switch between OT and NT. What are defining characteristics?
- What does it mean to glorify God?
